Le parenting, bon ou moins bon ?

Selon Alison Gropnik, psychologue de l’enfance, pas du tout, car anxiogène et inadapté.

„Quelque chose a changé à la fin du 20e siècle. Les parents ont eu des enfants beaucoup plus tard, à 30 ou 40 ans, sans pour autant avoir acquis une quelconque expérience sur la manière d’en prendre soin. Lorsque vient l’heure de devenir parent, ils pensent devoir procéder de la même façon qu’en étudiant ou en travaillant, c’est-à-dire en suivant des modèles, en visant des compétences et buts à atteindre. En réponse, on voit apparaître une myriade de « modes d’emploi », qui passent par des livres, des sites Internet, des émissions spécialisées, des magazines, des associations… C’est ce que j’appelle le modèle du parenting. Les traditions d’autrefois ont été remplacées par des prescriptions qui touchent aussi bien au développement qu’à la socialisation, à la scolarité ou la santé des enfants… Il faudrait apprendre à être parent de manière professionnelle, tout comme on apprendrait à devenir journaliste ou manager.
Que reprochez-vous à ce modèle, qui repose pourtant sur la volonté de bien faire ?

Bien sûr, nous voulons tous que nos enfants soient heureux, qu’ils réussissent ! Difficile donc de ne pas réfléchir à ce qu’il faut faire pour les éduquer au mieux. Mais ce que je tente de montrer, c’est que ce que vous faites pour votre enfant n’a d’impact que parce que vous êtes la personne que vous êtes, dans une relation d’amour particulière entre deux êtres uniques. Alors que le modèle du parenting tente d’imposer l’idée que ce que vous faites juste en vous occupant d’un enfant dont vous souhaitez prendre soin est insuffisant. Ce modèle ne fait que renforcer l’anxiété des parents. Ils ont le sentiment de ne jamais en faire assez : il faudrait suivre les devoirs avec soin sinon l’enfant sera en échec, éviter la télévision mauvaise pour le cerveau, faire faire du piano, répondre immédiatement aux pleurs, proposer telles activités d’éveil… Cette tendance, qui est née aux États-Unis, complique considérablement l’expérience des parents, en entraînant plus de stress que nécessaire. Et au-dessus de la tête des enfants, un nuage d’attentes angoissantes est apparu, qui stagne…

Plus fondamentalement, ce modèle du parenting repose sur une idée fausse, selon laquelle il y aurait une manière universelle d’éduquer les enfants, qui transcenderait toutes les générations. Or, la science de l’évolution nous apprend précisément que chaque génération produit des personnes très différentes par rapport aux générations précédentes, si bien que les préconisations d’aujourd’hui ont toutes les chances de varier demain. Façonner les enfants à nos idéaux du moment est donc non seulement futile, mais même néfaste, car cela peut entraver la capacité d’adaptation de nos enfants aux changements à venir.”

https://www.scienceshumaines.com/halte-au-surinvestissement-parental-rencontre-avec-alison-gopnik_fr_38773.htm

Reclame

Dealing with difficult persons…

„Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.”

From Azriel Re’Shel’s blog

Azriel Re’shel is a Writer, Editor and Yoga Teacher. A former SBS Radio and BBC World Service Radio and TV News Journalist, Azriel loves words, travel and people. A skilled writer and editor, and former PR and Events Coordinator, Azriel edits and writes for individuals and businesses working in the healing and creative arts. She has an Arts Degree in Psychology and English, a Journalism Diploma and has studied Psychotherapy and many other healing modalities as part of her own spiritual path.

 

„Practice Self-Compassion With Forgiveness”

„Practice Self-Compassion With Forgiveness”

by Sharon Salzberg: We cannot force ourselves to move on from a painful situation…

expecting forgiveness to be quick and voluntary can have negative effects. Explore this mindfulness practice for creating space for ourselves to forgive.

We’ve all heard the idiom “forgive and forget,” as if processing pain inflicted upon us by others is a quick and easy job. The phrase is an imperative and renders the idea of forgiveness compulsory; in order to heal, we must enter a state of denial and effectively avoid the pain that we have been experiencing.

But, of course, forgiveness is a process, an admittedly difficult one that often can feel like a rigorous spiritual practice. We cannot instantaneously force ourselves to forgive—and forgiveness happens at a different pace for everyone and is dependent on the particulars of any given situation. What we can do is create space for ourselves to forgive—and, perhaps ironically, part of that involves allowing ourselves to wrestle with our feelings of anger and pain to begin with. Once we are honest about our feelings, we can invite ourselves to consider alternative modes of viewing our pain and can see that releasing our grip on anger and resentment can actually be an act of self-compassion.

Accepting forgiveness as pluralistic and as an ongoing, individualized process opens us up to realize the role that our own needs play in conflict resolution.

Telling the story, acknowledging what has happened and how you feel, is often a necessary part of forgiveness. Without that, we live in an artificial reality that is frozen in time, and sometimes woven from fabrication. I have a friend who believes that a central reason for her divorce is that she spoke the truth after her ex-husband’s parents died and he waxed on about his perfect, idyllic childhood. “But you put your drunken parents to bed each night,” she would point out. “You dropped out of college to do that.” Her words undermined the story he was telling, and his need for a rosier past took precedence over the love between them. It also took precedence over his ability to forgive his parents, and the chance for love alongside the pain of his broken dreams.

At times, reality is love’s great challenge. When our old stories and dreams are shattered, our  first instinct may be to resist, deny, or cling to the way things were. But if we loosen our grip, often what fills the space is a tender forgiveness and the potential for a new and different kind of love.

Helen Whitney, director of the documentary Forgiveness, has said, “We talk about forgiveness as if it were one thing. Instead, we should talk about forgivenesses. There are as many ways to forgive as there are people needing to be forgiven.” In other words, there are an incalculable—even infinite—number of situations in which we can practice forgiveness. Expecting it to be a singular action—motivated by the sheer imperative to move on and forget—can be more damaging than the original feelings of anger. Accepting forgiveness as pluralistic and as an ongoing, individualized process opens us up to realize the role that our own needs play in conflict resolution. We cannot simply “forgive and forget,” nor should we.

A Forgiveness Meditation

Meditating on forgiveness is not terribly different from a loving-kindness practice, as both invite us to be with our emotional states without judging them and to use the meditation as the anchor of our attention. These practices require courage, as we are not denying our suffering or the harmful actions we’ve taken.

Forgiveness demands presence, reminding us that we are not the same as the feelings we possess in a given situation, nor is the person who we’ve harmed or who has harmed us.

Forgiveness is not passive, but an active gesture of releasing feelings like anger, guilt, and resentment, all of which deplete us if we become lost in them. Forgiveness demands presence, reminding us that we are not the same as the feelings we possess in a given situation, nor is the person who we’ve harmed or who has harmed us.

Traditionally, the meditation is done in three parts:

  • first, you ask forgiveness from those you have harmed;
  • next, you extend forgiveness to those who have harmed you; and
  • the final practice is that of self-forgiveness, for all of those times we harm ourselves with judgmental habits of mind.

1) Sit comfortably, and allow the breath to be natural. Begin by silently (or audibly) reciting phrases of forgiveness for those you have harmed. You may try, “If I have hurt or harmed anyone knowingly or unknowingly, I ask their forgiveness.”

2) Notice what comes up. You may find that offering forgiveness to one person may catalyze memories of another tough situation or person. Don’t push these feelings or thoughts away—but maintain your focus on the practice, and don’t get lost in guilt or self-blame about your distraction. As other thoughts arise, send your forgiveness in these new directions.

3) Next (after however long you want to spend on the first part of the reflection), you can begin to offer forgiveness to those who have harmed you: “If anyone has hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive them.”

4) Once again, thinking about past painful experiences may trigger emotion. As these feelings, images, and memories bubble to the surface, you may simply recite, “I forgive you.”

5) Finally, we turn our attention to forgiveness of ourselves. Most of us have experienced self-blame—at work, in relationships, or simply because we have habitually kept ourselves in cycles of perfectionism. “For all of the ways I have hurt or harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I offer forgiveness.”

Source: Mindful

What are signs of low emotional intelligence?

 
 
 

„Emotional intelligence (EQ), according to , refers to the capability of an individual to identify and control her and others’ emotions. is considered to manifest itself in three skills: emotional awareness, relationship management and self-management.

R. Boyatzis and D. Goleman found 12 domains (4 each) specifying and elucidating skills defining EQ.

Here are the signs of low EQ, according to 4 different sources, (I chose the primary ones, hopefully, objectively)

  1. Not apologizing. Your ego stands on your way of admitting your fault and making another person feel better. Which one is more important? Your ego, or someone else’s well being?
  2. Internal drive toward pessimism and almost nonexistent problem-solving skills during hard times.
  3. Lack of interest in people.
  4. Not being judicious and prudent in recognizing people, their character, strengths and weaknesses.
  5. Lack of empathy.
  6. Not being able to handle criticism without anxiety, blame, or excuses.
  7. Missing cues from people around, not being attentive to details about people’s personalities and their reactions to you.
  8. Inclination towards being manipulated, particularly by ideologies or people focusing on your personal problems.
  9. Not praising people who deserve it. Being resentful in some way or another.
  10. Not being grateful for things you do or don’t have.
  11. Lack of emotional self-control. Well, that one was obvious.
  12. Lying. People with high EQ not only don’t lie, but also don’t sugarcoat the truth. Once a wise man said: “Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with the lie”. This quote is personally valuable to me and so true. By being almost disrespectfully truthful, you might hurt a man for a day or two, but by lying to him, you will hurt him for life.”

https://www.quora.com/What-are-signs-of-low-emotional-intelligence/answer/Yagub-Alizada

What exactly does it mean to “hold space” for yourself?

„We seem to do it naturally for others, but what does it mean to do it for ourselves? For me, holding space means becoming the container to experience myself; to grow, to feel, to express, to test out, to live. It is being present, treating yourself with care, consideration, kindness, compassion and love. Hearing the needs of your body and mind, feeling your emotions, and listening to the yearning of your soul. It’s a way of being, a lifestyle, a profound choice and a stand you take. It’s not a belief system, but is rather a way of being with yourself and meeting your own needs.This can be lifesaving in intimate relationships, where we can ruin a good thing by trying to make the other meet all our needs.We spend every minute of the day with ourselves. How much of it is good, supportive, and kind?

Holding space is like a great pilgrimage home to your own soul. A key to holding space for yourself is to see yourself with all your faults and without judgement and criticism. To see yourself with kindness and love, just as you would a friend. It’s making friends with your fear, inviting Cousin Self-Doubt, Mrs Perfectionist, Brother Criticism, and Sister Putdown, in for a cup of tea around the fireplace.

Treat yourself with care, consideration, kindness, compassion and love.Treat yourself with care, consideration, kindness, compassion and love.

“Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial  relationship to myself.” Nathaniel Brand

Holding space for yourself gives you a place to check your direction, to see who or what is in the driver seat of your life, and to adjust your course when you need to. It brings space and awareness into your life, ensuring your life reflects your soul and your longings, so you don’t have to wake up at age 45 and realise you don’t like who you’ve become.”

Source     https://upliftconnect.com/hold-space-for-yourself/

By Azriel Re’Shel

In memoriam Claude Steiner, 1935-2017

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF EMOTIONAL LITERACY

  1. I. Place love at the center of your emotional life. Heart-centered emotional intelligence empowers everyone it touches.
  2. Love yourself, others and truth in equal parts. Never sacrifice one to the other.

III. Stand up for how you feel and what you want. If you don’t, it is not likely that anyone else will.

  1. Respect the ideas, feelings and wishes of others as much as you do your own.Respecting ideas does not mean that you have to submit to them.
  2. Emotional Literacy requires that you not lie by omission or commission. Except where your safety or the safety of others is concerned, do not lie.
  3. Emotional Literacy requires that you do not power play others. Gently but firmly ask instead for what you want until you are satisfied.

VII. Do not allow yourself to be power played. Gently but firmly refuse to do anything you are not willing to do of your own free will.

IIX. Apologize and make amends for your mistakes. Nothing will make you grow faster.

  1. Do not accept false apologies. They are worth less than no apologies at all.
  2. Follow these commandments according to your best judgment. After all, they are not written in stone.

==========================

(c) 1998 Claude M. Steiner PhD.

 

Dincolo de suferinta, trecând prin ea

 

Tot Lytta Basset: A suferi de unul singur, a suferi contra şi a suferi alături de cineva

Când suferim, o facem fie rămânând singuri (complexul care poate fi numit: „a suferi-fără”, sau „a suferi de unul singur”), fie îndreptând suferinţa noastră împotriva cuiva („a suferi contra”, aşa cum o fac copiii şi adolescenţii revoltaţi, de toate vârstele!), fie acceptând ca cineva/Cineva să se afle alături de noi, şi primind din partea ceea ce mândria cu greu primeşte, şi anume : milă, compasiune, solicitudine, atenţie plină de grijă.

Cel care doreşte să facă experienţa, făgăduită de Hristos în chiar pragul Patimilor, a  bucuriei pe care nimeni nu ţi-o poate răpi  (Ioan 15-17), are de luat, în confruntarea cu suferinţa, o anumită atitudine, să-i zicem, experimental, « corectă ». Pentru că bucuria promisă de Hristos, şi pe care viaţa dusă împreună cu El o face posibilă; departe de a fi în contradicţie cu obstacolele şi durerile vieţii, este o experienţă a depăşirii suferinţei – o « transcendere » a ei. Este ceva care nu ne poate fi luat, pentru că nu este de ordinul posesiunii.

 

Acest om, care poate fi oricare dintre noi, va avea de trecut prin experienţa pierderii, împăcându-se cu ea, spre a ieşi în mod deliberat din strânsoarea « suferinţei-fără » care-l închide pe om în gânduri precum : « nimeni nu mă întelege »; « cei din jurul meu, chiar dacă mă văd că sufăr, nu înteleg şi nu se sinchisesc ». Ori, mai rău: « ce am avut a dispărut iremediabil, şi de această dispariţie nu mă pot mângâia – fie că este vorba de un suflet care să mă înteleagă, o profesie care să-mi dea satisfacţii, o casă într-un mediu agreabil, în care mi-am creat obişnuinte plăcute.

Mai are, acest om, de trecut şi prin conştiinţa faptului că «  a suferi-contra » este un mod de a-ţi bate singur cuie în talpă, şi de a-ţi amplifica nemultumirile.

El mai are de acceptat, cu smerenie, că cei din jur se pot asocia, printr-o compasiune discretă (pe care cel supărat pe viaţă refuză de fapt s-o perceapă!), trăirilor mele; acceptând, totodată, faptul că ei nu vor simţi niciodată exact ceea ce simt eu…

Cel care o poate face, şi are milă de mine, oricât de stupidă şi nemotivată poate părea suferinţa mea – mie şi altora! – este Acela a Cărui prezenţă tainică în străfundurile conştiinţei mele este însăşi raţiunea mea de a fi. Pentru că acel « Cineva » mă iubeşte « nebuneşte », şi dincolo de capacitatea mea de a iubi, de a primi iubirea, şi de a accepta – dincolo de toate refuzurile, blocajele, şi estimările mele că « nu merit ».

Dar să vedem lucrurile mai de aproape, urmărind-o pe Lytta Basset.

 „Convingerea că celuilalt nu-i pasă de mine se hrăneste din fantasma că el nu suferă deloc, sau nu la fel de mult ca mine, ceea ce înseamnă că fac din suferinţa mea personală un absolut: ceea ce trăiesc este in-comparabil : deci dacă « măsor » ceea ce trăieste altcineva (« suferă mai puţin ori mai mult decât… »), îi contest dreptul de a-şi trăi şi el suferinţa ca pe un absolut in-comparabil. Mă închid atunci într-o contradicţie mortiferă: pe de o parte sunt convins că el nu suferă, ori nu la fel de mult, pe de alta, că el stie cât de cumplit  sufăr eu.

Dar cum ar putea altcineva/Celălalt să ştie prin ce trec dacă nu ar trăi şi el dinăuntru propriul său absolut de suferinţă solitară? Originea modului acesta de « a suferi de unul singur » nu este oare de căutat în zorii vieţii? Pe cât este de convins copilul mic că părinţii ştiu cât suferă el, pe atâta nu ne este în fire să credem că şi celălalt suferă în chip in-comparabil. Dacă avem de făcut un drum lung ca să recunoaştem suferinţa celuilalt, aceasta se petrece pentru că suferinţa noastră a început prin a ne izola. Iată punctul de unde plecăm, sclavia suferinţei « de unul singur » care ne-a făcut impermeabili la suferinţa celorlalţi, până la orbire : îi rămânem exteriori, aşa cum ceilalţi rămân şi ei în afara suferinţei noastre, cu deosebirea că noi credem că ei o fac anume”.

 

Şi totuşi, convingerea iniţială era corectă, şi pe ea se sprijină afirmaţia biblică (Iov) : celălalt, şi cu atât mai mult Dumnezeu, poate simţi că noi suferim. Şi putem regăsi urma acestei convingeri atunci când am fost auziţi de cineva care ne-a lăsat să ne exprimăm suferinţa. Când o persoană este vizibil răscolită de trăirile noastre sfâşietoare, ne dă impresia că «  a înţeles », că « ştie », cu o ştiinţă specială, care nu e de ordin intelectual ; nu avem dovezi, ci certitudinea că aşa este. De aceea, putem pune capăt suferinţei  îndreptate « contra », care se sprijină pe fantasma indiferenţei altora.

În acest sens, se poate spune că nesocotim la fel de mult suferinţa altora cât nesocotim suferinţa lui Dumnezeu. Oare nu aceasta să fie raţiunea pentru care se afirmă, în Crez, că Iisus a suferit pentru noi sub Ponţiu Pilat? Suferinţa Mântuitorului, ca şi cea a unei alte persoane, este obiectul unui act de credinţă.

Suferinţa altcuiva nu se vede, nu-i avem niciodată dovada, trebuie să credem în ea, şi cu atât mai mult atunci când este vorba de un Dumnezeu nevăzut! Punem capăt fantasmei că ceilalţi, lumea, Dumnezeu, sunt indiferenţi, de îndată ce « depunem » acest act de credinţă : şi altcineva decât mine suferă. Şi ajunge să crezi acest lucru despre un individ, ca el să devină credibil despre întreaga omenire.

Dacă un asemenea act de credinţă mi se pare imposibil, aceasta nu este din rea-voinţă nici pentru că am decis să deţin premiul întâi al suferinţei, ci pentru că mi-e frică de neantul în care mă va arunca împărtăşirea ei : dacă pun în legătură suferinţa mea cu cea a altora, pun capăt « suferinţei-contra », şi  fac în acest fel un soi de salt în gol.

Pentru Lytta Basset, « săritura aceasta peste abis este actul de credinţă prin excelentă, fără de care nu se va naşte vreodată compasiunea, fără de care Biserica moare, fără de care Dumnezeu devine caricatura unui Altcineva indiferent. Actul de credinţă se adresează mai întâi spiritului, inteligenţei «  de bună-credinţă »… până ce, într-o zi, îl trăieşti cu inima şi măruntaiele compasiunii. »

Ca să pot ieşi din meandrele suferinţei « contra », hrănită din închipuirea că  experienţa mea dureroasă este întâmpinată de alţii exclusiv prin indiferenţă, şi că urmează să dispreţuiesc la rândul meu tot ce am trăit şi trăiesc dureros, privindu-mi experienţa ca pe ceva totalmente patologic, nerezonabil, detestabil? Cum să evit să exclud şi să mă exclud?

Primul lucru, este să recunosc realitatea experienţei mele, şi faptul că ea este a mea.

Al doilea, este tot un act de credinţă : în mine, ca fiinţă omenească unică şi de neînlocuit, avându-şi valoarea sa, în afara oricărei comparaţii cu un standard ori altul.

„Sunt convinsă – scrie Lytta Basset – că există întotdeauna ceva sănătos, solid, « sfânt » într-o fiinţă omenească, fie şi în miezul fantasmei celei mai nebuneşti, ceva care vine de la Dumnezeu, ceva care ţine de « adevăr »: în mijlocul buruienilor sau a pietricelelor între care se pierde cuvântul cceluilalt /Celuilalt, există întotdeauna o bucăţică de teren fertil, unde poate încolţi o sămânţă.”

Acceptând această mică moarte a egolui, care este acceptarea deschiderii, acceptarea confruntării cu ceilalţi, inclusiv prin comunicarea suferinţei mele « in-comparabile », altfel spus « dezarmându-mă », renunţând la tot ce ţine de « a suferi împotriva celorlalţi », voi putea păşi pe un drum nou către viaţă.

Poate despre aşa ceva este vorba în mărturia patriarhului Athenagoras,  care merită recitită din când în când şi meditată cu atenţie.

Résultat de recherche d'images

Trebuie luptat cu sine: e bătălia cea mai grea. Trebuie să ajungi să te dezarmezi. Am purtat acest război cu mine însumi ani în sir, şi a fost cumplit. Dar acum, iată, sunt dezarmat.

Nu mai mi-e frică de nimic, pentru că « dragostea deplină alungă frica ». M-am descotorosit de dorinţa de a avea mereu dreptate, de a mă justifica descalificându-i pe alţii. Nu mai stau la pândă, cu grija de a nu fi jefuit, cu mâinile încleştate pe bogăţiile mele.

 Primesc şi ofer. Nu mai ţin în mod deosebit la ideile mele, la proiectele mele. Dacă cineva îmi arată altele mai bune, nu neapărat mai bune, ci numai bune,  accept fără regret. Am renunţat la comparativ. Ce este bun, adevărat, real, este totdeauna pentru mine şi cel mai bun.

De aceea nu mai mi-e frică. Dacă ne dezarmăm, dacă ne eliberăm de obsesia de a poseda, dacă ne deschidem înaintea Dumnezeului-Om care face toate lucrurile noi, atunci El şterge tot trecutul cel rău, şi ne dă înapoi un timp nou, în care  totul e cu putinţă.